I have read with interest the discussions of pregnancies, miscarriages, and infertility at the WTM boards. This is largely because I found that I cannot relate to the feelings that many of the women are expressing. What surprised me, though, was that I have gone through a lot of the things these women are struggling with. We've had four miscarriages (all at 13 weeks) in the last few years, and I don't have uncomplicated pregnancies when they do manage to get past 13 weeks.
However, I haven't felt the "soul-wrenching pain" that some posters talked about. This is what I've been trying to understand. I almost feel like callous mother since I don't mourn the miscarriages. I have a niece and a nephew who would have been the ages of two of the babies we lost. I hadn't even thought about that till these conversations came up on the boards. I haven't seen either of them, but I don't expect that seeing them during Christmas will make me feel sad.
So why is it that we assume that if someone has had similar experiences that they will understand what we are feeling? Why is it that if someone *hasn't* had an experience like ours that we don't think they could ever understand what we are going through? I can empathize with women who have a miscarriage, but it's not because I've gone through it myself so many times. It's because I truly feel sad to know that someone else is suffering.
One thing I can understand is how hard it is physically. Since my miscarriages have all been relatively late, they took quite a few weeks to recover from physically. But we've all experienced pain, and it doesn't have to be the same kind to have empathy for another woman.
The only thing about this that makes me sad is that my children wish they had a younger sibling. They often seek out younger children at church, and they love it when their friends bring their younger siblings over.
This post isn't specifically aimed at anyone. It's just something I've been thinking about and didn't think I could express at the boards without offending someone.
1 comment:
I've found, both in my own life and as I look at others around me, that nobody reacts to the same situations the same way.
We went through some miscarriages after 8 years of trying to get pregnant, and my wife was devastated. We had a memorial service and everything. That was for her benefit. I would have just preferred not to deal with it at all (Typical guy reaction, right?).
But others respond differently, and no-one should assume that their way is right for all.
BTW, I've enjoyed reading your other posts, too. I've linked to your blog from mine (http://moboy.blogspot.com), and a link back would be great!
MRKH
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